Our first Slendid to study is “The Hide-Behind”: a peculiar creature that is unusual even amongst the Slendid group.
The Hide-Behind exhibits all the typical traits inherent to a slendid, but with a few major differences, the most glaring being that it does not seem to intend any sort of harm for the people it stalks.
Most slendids are exceptionally dangerous creatures. ‘The Rake’ for example, is notorious for terrible dismemberment and other acts of extreme violence against its victims. The Hide-Behind however, seems somewhat more content with simple observation, rather than direct interaction.
As its name suggests, The Hide-Behind enjoys lurking directly behind people, or just out of their field of vision and taunting them with a distinct buzzing sound (perhaps mimicked from the sound of the local lumberjacks chainsaws). What makes the Hide-Behind truly remarkable though, is its physiology.
Take a moment to observe this footage. This was shot early in 2013 by a young cryptozoologist named Dipper Pines in the remote town of Gravity Falls, Oregon. It shows clearly the body type of the Hide-Behind and it is clearly identifiable as a member of the Slendid family.
(This footage was recovered unbeknownst to the author by park officials)
Quite a fascinating creature isn’t it? Let’s go over how it functions.
The town of Gravity Falls (the only place the Hide-Behind has been spotted thus far) backs onto a lush mountain range and nature reserve, similar to Yellowstone Park in Canada. Based on this type of environment, the Hide-Behind could potentially survive as a carnivore, herbivore, opportunistic scavenger or omnivore.
Based on its face and mouth, the Hide-Behind most likely falls into the category of herbivore. Its mouth is very small, almost non-existent, and so it is likely that this creature derives sustenance from mosses, berries and dew. The limited nutrient derived from most hard plant life in this region likely gives it a slow metabolism, and most probably gives it very high sodium requirements (just like the local moose). Its digestion is most likely very inefficient and slow, and it may even consume stones to aid in the grinding of food matter in its gut.
It is unlikely that this creature hunts and feasts on meat, but it should be known that even the most devout herbivores can exhibit carnivorous behaviour under the right circumstances. Hippopotamus have been seen eating animal carcasses in times of drought, and wild chimpanzees regularly hunt smaller animals such as Tamarins for an indulgent meal of meat.
It is unlikely that the Hide-Behind is a predator, but based on its body, intelligence and speed, it could be more than capable of behaving as one.
Body and Behaviour:
Slendids possess the most extreme bodies in all of observed nature. They are capable of remarkable physical feats, and the Hide-Behind is no exception. Its first and most valuable asset is its speed.
As you can see from Dippers footage, it is extraordinarily fast, its limber frame and long legs allowing it to stride through the dense forest with ease, leaving only the faintest blur.
Its trademark ability (that is, the ability to camouflage itself amongst the thinnest of twigs for extended periods of time) is also something to behold. To comprehend just how difficult something like this is, hold your arm out to your side while keeping your elbow straight and your wrist level with your shoulder for as long as you can without dropping.
Not easy is it? This is because all of our muscles eventually build up lactic acid when kept in the same position for too long. Our bright red muscle structure is built for immediate strength, but has very little longevity. The darker an animal’s muscles are the better oxygen flow it has through its blood for those muscle groups. Whales for example, have deep red muscle groups in the tail that are extremely well oxygenated and therefore can continue to work for extended periods of time. Whales need this deep red muscle, because their tales are in constant motion.
The Hide-Behind likely has the same deep red muscles to prolong its ability to stand and hide in awkward poses. If you were to cut into a Hide-Behinds calf muscle, it would probably be a very deep maroon colour, perhaps even black.
The Hide-Behind has something else as part of its physiology…something completely unique to it alone.
Watch Dippers footage again, and pay particular attention to how the Hide-Behind reveals itself from the dead tree. Its shoulders and even its skull are clearly broader than the tree itself, so how does it manage to disguise itself behind such a skinny object?
The answer? Collapsible bones.
That’s right, the Hide-Behind can actually unhinge its entire skeleton, effectively disconnecting all its joints and folding itself multiple times to become even thinner. Much like a snake unhinging its jaw, its ribcage can fold like a book in either direction, and its muscles, organs and skin suffer no damage when compressed like rubber.
So despite its frail appearance, the Hide-Behind is likely VERY strong.
Ok, so here we have a voyeuristic creature with a revolutionary body that prefers to observe rather than attack. It is solitary, mischievous and virtually impossible to track or capture. What does the future hold for the Hide-Behind?
Well, with its total numbers and mating rituals still a mystery, it is safe to assume that the specimen lurking in the forests of Gravity Falls is the only one we will ever come close to observing in any detail. Unfortunately, it also lends no sound theories as to the origin of the paranormal Slendid family, due to its extremely reclusive nature. No real remains or leftovers have been found either, so the Hide-Behind still poses a multitude of exciting questions.
A fascinating creature, and one I hope to be able to re-visit soon.
Oh god it’s good to get back to basics.
Proving once again that the ponies are at the best when they have nothing important to do, ‘Castle-Mania’ is a real highlight of the season so far.
This is one of those quintessential pony episodes, one you can use to introduce people to the series and one you can keep coming back to over and over again to have a good time. It’s funny, it’s clever, it has all the characters doing what they do best and it teases something bigger without relying on it to make the episode work.
All the ponies are really in their element here, and even if you’ve never met them before you don’t require any prior knowledge about their history or personalities to enjoy this episode. We have Twilight spearheading another quest for knowledge; we have Applejack and Rainbow Dash trying to one-up each other in a pointless game of ‘who’s the bravest’. We have Rarity being an anal-retentive train wreck with borderline obsessive compulsive disorder, desperately trying to satisfy her own ego and craving for adoration. We have Fluttershy being tormented in a hugely unfamiliar environment, and we have Pinkie Pie being the goddamn Pinkie Pie. It’s just pure, unimpeded fun.
The chemistry between all the characters is rich and believable, the dialogue is snappy and sharp, and the comedic timing is 100% spot on. It’s a light, enjoyable, laugh-out-loud episode with very little plot and therefore plenty of room to let all the characters just breathe and be themselves.
To be honest I’ve been really missing episodes like this. With all the Princess Twilight hoopla the show hasn’t had a chance to settle down and just be funny until now, so this is immensely refreshing.
And that’s honestly all there is to say about it. All that has happened is the writers have dropped the girls into a haunted castle and said: “Right, roll the cameras, just let them go”, and the result is an instant classic.
Frankly I don’t even feel the need to speculate on who this ‘Pony of Shadows’ could be. If I had to guess, I’d say he/she is the Shang Tsung to Nightmare Moons Shao Kahn, but I’m really not concerned about it right now.
All you need to know is that Castle Mane-ia is one of the best episodes of MLP put to air so far.
Come with me on a journey. A journey to a doorway. A doorway to a window. A window to another door. Hey who built this house? Ok turn around. Go down the stairs. Waiting in your cellar is your own worst nightmare and its wants to say hello!
Hello, this is Cosmic Space Frog with a helpful guide to a group of paranormal creatures shrouded in mystery; the ‘Slendids”. Starting next week, we will examine existing accounts of known slendids, and also be theorizing about other types that may exist. Over the course of this study, we will examine these remarkable creatures one by one; discuss their physiology, their biology, intelligence levels and everything else in-between. We will also be looking at real life encounters, and sharing those submitted by readers.
It’s a journey into a strange, paranormal world, where not even the soothing voice of Leonard Neemoy can comfort you. Are they magic? Are they people in costumes? Let’s try and find out shall we?
Now, you are probably asking yourself… “What is a slendid?” Well boys and girls, the word “slendid” is a classification for a group of paranormal creatures that we believe share the same family tree. Just as dogs, foxes and wolves are all classified as ‘canines’, ‘slendids’ has its own group of specialised creatures, which includes the infamous Slenderman, the terrifying entity that first drew our attention.
Our first slendid to study will be a creature known as ‘The Hide-Behind’, an amazing entity that has remained completely undetected until very recently when accidentally filmed by a young boy named Dipper Pines earlier this year.
After our look at the Hide-Behind, I will offer readers the choice to select which slendid should be studied next, and I will also be posting any submitted stories of people’s encounters with these creatures.
So in the meantime, enjoy the return of my pony episode reviews, and always keep an eye out for those skinny shadows that always seem to be just out of view.
Thank you for following me as long as you did. I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but if you unfollowed because fandoms no longer align, then still thank you. You stuck it out for a long while.
Sorry, but there’s only so much anime I can have in my feed before it all blurs together into one big wide eyed spiky haired fangasm.
In a room sit three great men, a king, a priest, and a rich man with his gold. Between them stands a sellsword, a little man of common birth and no great mind. Each of the great ones bids him slay the other two. 'Do it,' says the king, 'for I am your lawful ruler.' 'Do it,' says the priest, 'for I command you in the names of the Gods.' 'Do it,' says the rich man, 'and all this gold shall be yours.' So tell me—who lives and who dies? Power resides where men believe it resides.
Ken Marshall Lysette Anthony Freddie Jones
I consider myself a fairly level-headed frog. When a problem presents itself, I feel I am more than capable of meeting it with a degree of mature restraint.
Until today! When that confidence was challenged by a movie that simply refuses to explain anything about itself. A movie that makes up lore on the spot, and is not concerned in the least with explaining or justifying what it is showing us.
I am of course talking about the 1983 action-fantasy flick…”Krull”.
This movie tested my cool like no other, and provoked me at every opportunity to leap up from me seat and shout “WHY!?!” In this review, you are going to have to grit your teeth alongside me as we resist that urge TOGETHER. Because that question….the question of “WHY” (along with many others) is going to be all too tempting to ask. So please…just like when you find Brad Dourif hiding under the slide in a McDonalds play area…no questions dammit, NO QUESTIONS! In fact, I have set up an automated slapping machine with a hydraulic arm and a rubber glove fitted over a plastic mannequin hand just next to my head as I review this movie….to ensure that any time I demand answers….I get smacked. Hopefully I don’t suffer its wrath too much. Ok let’s begin….
It was a great time to be an action fan in the 80’s. First Blood, Top Gun, Blade Runner, Die Hard, Robocop, Terminator, Raiders of the Lost Ark and my personal favourite Aliens along with many others came out this decade. Schwarzenegger was on top of the world and the cheesy action movie reigned supreme.
Fresh out of the starting gate was ‘Krull’, an old-world fantasy epic piggybacking off the success of ‘Conan the Barbarian‘ and ‘Empire Strikes Back’….and the degree to which it wanted to fellate the latter is a little bit blatantly obvious. You see, Krull assumed that having lasers and space villains in your movie was enough….but it really really isn’t. This is one of the most clichéd, by-the-numbers hero journeys I have ever sat through, and that’s saying something.
You know what? I’m feeling charitable, so I’m going to give you the formula for writing a generic blockbuster fantasy epic. This is the formula that makes Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter all essentially the same movie, and it’s the same one that Krull tries its very sloppy hand at. Are you ready? Here we go….
Step 1: Start with a young male hero (Luke Skywalker, Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter).
Step 2: Remove parents, have them live with goofy close relatives.
Step 3: Introduce a wise and bearded mentor (Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Dumbledore)
Step 4: Give them a mystical weapon of unparalleled power that they keep with them at all times (Lightsabre, The One Ring, Wand)
Step 5: Threaten a big bad villain who wants to rule everything and has limitless hordes at his command (Emperor Palpatine, Sauron, Voldemort)
Step 6: Separate hero from wise and bearded mentor at some point before the climax.
Step 7: Add a character striving for redemption (Darth Vader, Gollum, Severus Snape).
Throw is some big important looking council who seem impressive but are actually useless, maybe an ‘alliance’ or two and a fortune teller or ‘prophecy’ for good measure. Then sit back and watch your money pile up.
Easy isn’t it? Krull certainly thought so. But you know what the critical difference between those other three movies is? You believe those universes exist. Sure the hero goes on practically the same journey hitting all the same beats…but the worlds are different enough to convince you that you are watching a different movie….experiencing the lives of different people.
Krull is about as bog-standard as they come.
Our movie opens with a long establishing shot of a nondescript obelisk in space meandering slowly towards a planet we don’t know the name of. Gee whiz….does that sound familiar?
There is also one of those annoying introduction voiceovers from an old geezer that COMPLETELY SPOILS THE ENTIRE MOVIE. You know the type…one of those goddamn prophecies you just KNOW are going to come true at some point, thus giving away the ending and eliminating any doubt as to whether or not the title characters will live or die. Way to shoot your load early there movie….
We then cut to some shots of men riding on horses across pretty landscape, and a voiceover conversation between the king of that land and his daughter, who…in the most awkward exposition I have ever heard, explain that she is more than willing to marry the son of the opposing king to guarantee a treaty between them. This will apparently unite their lands and give them the strength to fight the “Beast” and his army of invaders who have apparently arrived with the asteroid.
Oh Ok so the asteroid has landed and it’s full of bad dudes? Ok great….who is this Beast fellow and why is he such an ass——*SMACK*!!!!!!!!!!
Ow! Shit….dammit, ok that didn’t take me long I guess that was a question….alright sorry…lets continue…
Anyway, we see that despite the hatred the two kings have for each other, their son and daughter totally dig one another and have done for quite some time. Ok but….how can they have had the chance to fall in love if they have been kept thousands of miles apart up until this point? Did they meet when they were younger or something? When did that happen? How can—-*SMACK*!!!!
The marriage gets underway. In this world, a marriage ritual consists of the man surrendering a flame to water, so that it might be retrieved by his bride and offered back to him by her hand only. Ok cool that’s a very awesome sounding metaphor for the love and strength two people provide for eachotherohmygodno she’s literally pulling some fire out of water and handing it to him with her bare hands.
Ok how the fuck is she doing this? Is she magic? A witch? She must be. The guy just put a torch out in a bowl of water and she just reached into it and pulled out some poorly copy-pasted fire to give back to him. We were never given ANY previous indication that this was a magical medieval kingdom or that its inhabitants can do anything like this. How the fuck can she *SMACK*!!!!!!
………..My face is going to be sore as hell by the end of this isn’t it?
But all is not well, as the wedding is interrupted by the dark invaders. How the hell the wall guards didn’t see them coming is anyone’s guess but whatever….they storm the castle and start cutting down the soldiers with these….weird…sorta javelin thingies that shoot bolts of lightning….but they only fire one or two shots so they have to be immediately flipped around and used as pokey sticks that are maybe electrically charged…..I guess? Kind of a doofy weapon if you ask me.
In fact, this whole scene is doofy as hell. It looks less like a technological clash of heroism and carnage and more like an amateur drama camp production of “Men in Tights” as performed by the local Sith cosplayers. A sword swing looks less like trying to chop someone’s head off and more like they are trying to brush a spider off their shoulder. The FX department attempts to hide this by editing in flashy red lightning every time a weapon makes contact, but they cannot hide the obviously staged and rehearsed sequence of who is supposed to fall down and in what order. It’s just a sloppy, ugly, awkward looking fight scene.
Anyway, the unlucky groom, who it turns out is our main hero, is wounded and left for dead on the battlefield. He awakens the next morning to the soothing touch of an old man’s hands gently kneading him back to health.
That isn’t as creepy as it sounds however, as the old man (who will be our discount Obi-Wan) has come down from his mountain home to guide a great hero on his quest to rescue his kidnapped bride and retrieve something called the Glaive to expel the evil invaders once and for all. The old ones name is simply….”The Old One”. Whoa, leave some innovation for the rest of us Da Vinci!
So Old One guides our hero, who’s name I honestly don’t remember (I’m just going to call him Pete from now on) to the foot of a mountain and instructs him that this Glaive thingamajig is “nearby”, and off trots Pete to search for it. One might assume you would need more specific directions before setting off to look for an object the size of a person’s hand in an area ten times the size of a Bunnings warehouse, but this movie isn’t giving a fuck about logic so why should you?
Pete makes his way into a molten magma chamber at the summit of a mountain and notices something fairly Glaive shaped resting in the lava stream. Ok….any guesses as to how he’s going to get it out? Anyone? Maybe some sort of clever pulley system woven from his back hair? NOPE! With his bare fucking hands. How does he achieve this without losing his entire forearm in a squealing cacophony of agony? Shut the fuck up that’s how. It’s never explained, so let’s just move forward.
Returning to Old One, Pete goes to give the Glaive (which actually looks pretty badass) a quick practise throw, whereupon he is instructed “No! Only use it when you need it.” Uhhhh….shouldn’t you at least TRY this weapon of ultimate power on a tree or something to get a feel for what it can—-*SMACK*!!
Anyway, we don’t see the Glaive again for another hour and a half so…yeah…that was worth the time it took to find.
I should probably mention at this point…that this is one LONG ass movie. Everything I’ve described so far took me about 45 minutes to sit through, and we are only JUST NOW getting into the second act. So many shots get dragged out unnecessarily long….shots like rock climbing and travel montages take FOREVER…or at least they feel like forever. 45 minutes in, and we only just barely comprehend the character, the rules of the world and the stakes of the story….none of which are well explained or even particularly interesting either. And it’s about to get worse…..
While taking a quick break by a pond, Pete and Old One watch as a fireball hurtles out of the woods and lands in the water next to them. Out of the chaos rises something terrible….something awful….something that nobody should ever be subjected to under any circumstances….A dumbass comedy relief sidekick!
Noooooo! Not another Rob Schneider!
This is how I refer to ALL comedy sidekicks and adventure movies. They don’t necessarily have to look or talk like Rob Schneider (this guy looks more like a discount Eric Idol), they just have to be stupid and irritating, complain throughout the whole journey and just generally bog the whole experience down. And oh boy does this guy do exactly that…….He’s a whiny, inept, cowardly, smartmouth douchebag obviously intended to be “charming” but end up being “ball-gratingly annoying”.
His name is Ergo the Magnificent. Short in stature, tall in power, narrow of purpose and wide of vision. His schtick is threatening to turn people into animals, only to accidentally do it to himself. Oh….what a delight.
So now our gruesome twosome has now become a trio, and it isn’t long before they find trouble. Trouble in the form of a band of crooks and cutthroats who must be convinced Pete is actually a prince. Well, a king now that his father has come down with a nasty case of spearchest.
So Pete recruits the crooks (which takes about ten minutes of dialogue) and sets off once more, this time with a whole merry band of men at his command and even his very own Liam Neeson. But more danger is just around the corner, as Ergo hilariously seperates from the group to pick berries and is ambushed by an invader scout. Sweet merciful death does not come to Ergo however, but the slayer as he is speared from afar by a Cyclops that has apparently been following the group since day one.
Tall, polite and quiet, the Cyclops apparently has some interesting lore. Old One describes that long ago his people made a deal with The Beast for the power to see into the future in exchange for one of their eyes. But they were cheated, and were only gifted with the ability to see the exact time and place of their own death. Failure to meet this time and place will apparently result in extreme suffering.
Ok cool…that’s pretty original and interesting. Except…wait a second….if the Beast and his invaders have been to this world before to make a deal with the Cyclops….why didn’t they just conquer it then? Why did they come all this way just to cheat some tall guys out of one of their eyes? And what good did that eye do the Beast anyway? Does it give him some kind of extra special ability? Was it worth the journey? Why return now after all this time? And furthermore….how can—-*SMACK*SMACK*SMACK*SMACK*!!!
The fortress that this Beast creature lives in is actually quite amazing. It’s a colossal castle made of black granite and smooth, fire-blasted stone. The interior is pretty awesome as well. At least, the room the bride is trapped in seems pretty awesome. The castles interior seems to be the interior of a creature’s body. The bride is kept locked within the eyes, but is eventually allowed to explore and seems rooms made from ribs and other body parts. On top of this, the Castle is impossible to find because it changes location every day. One day it could be in the middle of a sweltering desert, the next it could be atop a snow-capped mountain.
This kind of suspension of disbelief works, because we are easily convinced that the Beast is immensely powerful and probably technologically advanced too. So a teleporting headquarters is actually kind of awesome. It’s just a shame we don’t get to see all that much of it…at least not compared to what we see Pete encounter on his quest. And speaking of…he needs a way to find the castle!
So Old One leads Pete to a man whom I can only call “Even Older One”….because that’s honestly all he is….and learns about the castles teleportation while looking through a glowy green jellybean. But the Beast doesn’t like old people snooping around, so he crushes the seeing-eye jellybean with a psychic fist. There is however, a place he can be spied on without knowing it…some place called the Emerald Temple…..and this brings me to what is probably my biggest gripe with this whole movie.
The Old One…the Emerald Temple….the Seer……all of this stuff is made up on the spot. I’m really not kidding…every character…location or ability seems like it is just invented right then and there. None of the necessary information is given to us. No who, what’s, whens, where’s or whys…..just random “things”. The whole movie is ruled by “drive-by” lore….there isn’t a world or a narrative or exposition being shows to us here….it’s just a series of get-out-of-jail-free cards that help nudge the story along. It’s really frigging distracting and really sloppy writing. It’s like they just went:
“Hey…we wrote ourselves into a corner saying that we cannot spy on the Beast for some reason…how can we get Pete to the castle?”
“Meh I dunno…..there’s an Emerald Temple you can spy on him from?”
“Yeah fuck it, that’ll do, write it in.”
We have zero context to view this world in, so every new location seems horribly tacked on.
Regardless, it looks like we are now bound for the Emerald Temple…now with Even Older One as a new member of the group which seems to be growing like a katamari. But more danger is just around the bend, and our hapless heroes find themselves under attack by more invaders in a haunted forest. Might be a good time to bust out that Glaive thing and give it a whirl hey? Sure seems like you need it right about now….coulda saved that guy who just got zapped…..no? Ok then whenever you’re ready…..
Added to this, we spend about ten minutes trying to rescue a previously unnamed thug from the clutches of a quicksand pool. The level of drama for death of this one guy who didn’t even have a line of dialogue is greater than what is given to every other character.
This includes Even Older One, who is found lying face down in the quicksand pool by the Cyclops, while he was waiting behind to scout for enemy pursuers. Apparently, something called a changeling did away with him during the commotion of the fight and has his sights set on Pete as well.
The only changelings I am familiar with are those ruled by Queen Chrysalis from MLP, so once again I have no context for where this creature is from or what it can do. All I know is it bodysnatched the old coot and then tried and failed to assassinate Pete. So now, with Even Older One dead, going to the Emerald Temple is going to be totally pointless given that he was the only one with the power to spy on the Beast. What do now?
Well it turns out there’s ANOTHER person who can tell Pete and co where the Black Castle is, so we set off in an entirely DIFFERENT direction to find her…rendering the whole business with the old man and the journey to Emerald Temple a complete and utter WASTE OF EVERYBODYS TIME!
Good lord what a dragged out clusterfuck this quest is.
So off we trot to find this woman….this…”Widow of the Web”. Gee…I wonder what kind of animal she will be associated with?
If you guessed goat then you…..you are a fucking idiot. Actually the correct answer is spider, and she is the only other one who can tell Pete when and where the Black Castle will appear. Old One Classic visits her and it is revealed that the two of them have a long history together. They were lovers once upon a time, until “duty” called Old One away, whereupon the Widow went mad with hate and killed their son.
Old One succeeds in getting the information about the castle, but at the cost of his own life. The castle will appear in a desert 1000 leagues from their current location and remain there for 24 hours. How ever will they get there in time to infiltrate it?
Why…..with more unexplained nonsense of course!
Yes we get ANOTHER creature that has never once been mentioned before nor explained in the slightest. Fire Mares…horses that can run on a trail of fire at supersonic speeds. I WOULD ask how the rider does not fall off or lose his skin while riding this fast, but frankly I don’t feel like fracturing my jaw more than it already has been. Plus, I feel the movie is stampeding towards a finale.
So our intrepid heroes saddle up some wild Fire Mares (who are neither mares nor running on fire) and prepare to set off to the desert.
Cyclops opts to stay behind though, because apparently it is now “his time to die”.
Sucks for you dude, bye!
Cue another overdrawn travel montage of Pete and his gang riding these flaming horses not only across the plains, but also GLIDING across canyons. Yeah, they can also fly it turns out.
But finally….at long last…one hour and 32 minutes after the opening credits…we get to this fucking castle…whereupon most of the remaining thugs are cut down by castle guards who actually know how to do their jobs.
But oh no…the sun is rising…and the castles next teleportation is imminent! How will Pete get through the front door and hold it open for his friends?
Well don’t worry…because Cyclops is here!
*cue lacklustre cheer from the crowd*
Yes he came with them after all, and gets himself crushed holding open the stone doors for everyone to get through. Thank you, weird creepy Cyclops man…you will be remembered.
So anyway, after the Centaur man gets them in, they begin searching for the kidnapped bride. The castle turns out to be a deathtrap, and they are immediately separated. Ergo the Annoying gets lost one floor down with some kid they picked up, and is forced to finally become useful by transforming himself into a tiger to fend off some guards.
Meanwhile, Pete and his friend the Bandit Leader come to a big shiny gold dome thingy that looks like an upside down chandelier. Pete’s bride is inside, but there is no visible way in.
“There’s no way in” says the leader of the bandits.
“There is one way” says Pete.
Finally…one hour and 41 minutes into the movie…Pete produces the Glaive and uses it to cut through the dome wall. It just seems to hover in mid-air and grind into the walls surface (without returning to Pete’s hand by the way) while producing this annoying whirring sound like a garden sprinkler on auto tune.
Huzzah! Pete and his blushing bride are finally re-united. But wait! There’s still the Beast to vanquish!
We haven’t even seen the Beast yet. I wonder what he looks like….is he a man? Is he a machine? Is he a…..a……creature from the black lagoon?
He’s the creature from the black lagoon. And he’s not even in shot with the actors…he’s poorly greenscreened into the background, making him looks like he’s being projected onto a wall by a discount theatre projector from Harvey Norman.
So he’s the creature from the black lagoon…only less believable. Jesus Christ lets wrap this up…..
Pete throws the thingy and knocks down the beast. But the Glaive is now stuck in his chest and the Beast is still kicking….what do now?
“You don’t need the Glaive” says the bride…..”The power was in you all along.”
She opens her hand and reveals that she still carries his flame from their ruined wedding night.
Oh no….no they aren’t seriously going to are they? No…it cannot possibly be THAT stupid.
Oh my god it is! He actually took the fire from her hand and has now turned himself into a living flamethrower. He is now shooting fire out of his fingertips. He is literally barbequing his foe with nothing but the power of hot fiery love.
No. Fucking. Way.
How can he do this? Why? How? How and why can he do this? Tell me movie! I want answers! No Krull…don’t you fucking DARE go to end credits now! You bastard! I want answers! Give me answers! I demand to know how this mortal man and his mortal wife now have the power of GODS. Power infinitely greater than the villain ever had! How the fuck can they do this? Can everyone do this or is it just them? Do they still have that power after the Black Castle comes tumbling down? You fucking answer me right now!
Oh man….this was not an easy one to sit through.
I guess it’s very tempting to want to put your own spin on a Tolkien-esque world…but if you are going to do it…for the love of almighty Atheismo you need more effort than this.
Krull is not necessarily a TERRIBLE movie…all the ingredients are there for a really interesting story. But it’s paced with all the excitement of a snail crossing a river of honey, the music is horribly grating and repetitive and the effects are downright laughable. The greenscreening in this movie is easily some of the worst I have ever seen, even by 80’s standards.
The whole experience feels sticky and awkward and every scene feels like a mud trap that has to be escaped rather than a cool location to be enjoyed. The scenes plod along, weighed down by a million tonnes of padding. There is heaps of dialogue but you still get no feel for the world of Krull because all the characters talk about is where they should go next or where they have been before.
The angles are always static and fixed on one shot for minutes at a time, the sets are cheesy and very fake looking, the acting is dodgy at best, the sound effects are shrill and unpleasant…and oh yeah…you will be asking yourself a BAJILLION questions throughout the entire thing. Nothing is ever explained! There are dozens of things I can still mention that make absolutely no sense. Why does the Widow of the Web transform from an old hag into her younger self when Old One visits her? Why can’t the enormous spider in her lair seem to catch him when he is initially staggering across the web? Why do the invaders ejects a slug out of their brains whenever one falls? If Pete’s kingdom and his brides kingdom were literally at the point where they were about to become one…why can he not summon his armed forces instead of picking up a group of scallywags? How come these invaders…these supposed “eaters of worlds”…do absolutely nothing when they land on a planet? Seriously, by the time the movie ends they have been there for months and they have done virtually NO damage to the world. We never see them attacking innocents or reaping the lands…for all we know they are all just sitting in their big castle playing poker. And another thing, why does their technology suck? Their weapons are limited to what are basically souped up, projectile firing cattle prods but we are supposed to believe they have conquered entire galaxies? Must have been galaxies consisting entirely of harmless cow-people because I was really confused as to the technologies involved…especially at the start. I actually thought that the knights of the kingdom must have these weapons too they were so dumb, so I was waiting for them to start using them.
Information in this movie does not flow organically…it is forced and fumbled with poor choices (or lack thereof) of words.
It’s not ALL bad though (just mostly). There are some cool IDEAS kicking around in here, and the black castle is extremely awesome. The Glaive is actually a wicked looking weapon but you never see it used for anything truly amazing so it ends up being completely forgettable. Occasionally you can see glimpses of a really epic story…but given that the end result is such a dull slog you won’t care all that much about what might have been. Gravity Falls gets more done in half an episode than this movie does in nearly two hours.
Maybe back in the 80’s this was more impressive and original than what it is now…but even then I don’t see how anyone could have fallen for it, especially given the quality of what else came out that decade.
In the end, Krull is like that fat kid on the playground who always tries to be like the more popular kids but always comes up short due to his lack of experience and wisdom. It’s that one cosplayer at the convention who thinks he looks like a totally rad stormtrooper but actually his costume is just a series of cut up ice-cream buckets and you can’t stand to be around him for more than a minute.
I understand this movie has somewhat of a cult following due to its offbeat, try-hard charm and it’s similarity to other fantasy classics but here is where I sit…
Just because you are on the same field as the pros, doesn’t mean you are anywhere near the same league.
Good lord….this movie…..
Am now taking requests for movie reviews.
You know what I find funny? Nobody gives a shit about Kony anymore.
Remember Kony 2012? What happened with that? Did we get him? Did we stop him? Did we hinder him slightly? Is he dead? Alive? Reformed? Still evil? Has he been on the news recently? Can anybody tell me? I’ll bet nobody can. Nobody knows because nobody fucking cares.
People flood their Facebook with propaganda messages committee designed to sell information packs filled with pamphlets and t-shirts in a vain, lazy attempt to make themselves feel good about “doing something in the fight against evil”, when in reality all you have done is circulate an annoying ad campaign and accomplished absolutely NOTHING!
I hate to break it to you, but men like Kony have been RUNNING Africa for well over a century, he wasn’t the first and he wont be the last. There’s probably a thousand others just like him out there right now as you read this. But hey…..you annoyed the shit out of your friends with “Kony 2012” facebook posts and bumper stickers…and now that you have satisfied your ego’s need to feel superior you can put that whole ugly mess out of your mind cant you?
Because you stood up for something didn’t you? Yeah you made a real difference. You helped those in need. You made your voice heard didn’t you? Yeah…you’re a fucking superhero. You’re a saint. You REALLY changed the world didn’t you? Dont you just feel so proud about how you put yourself on the line and made a stand against evil? You know…..from the comfort of a fucking computer chair?
Morticia. Fucking. Addams.